Please. I beg of you. Help me! I'm in so much pain. So much.?

I'm so sorry for the length. I guess i am as useless of a writer as i am a person. Please help. I just want to die. It's been a month and 5 days since my boyfriend of 9 months dumped me. Do the math. It was Valentine's Day. I feel like I lost myself with him. Later, I found out that he had with another girl while we were going out. He said he would never hurt me, and that he would respect me. He was emotionally abusive torwards, the end, he would pressure me into stuff i didn't want to do sometimes, even though he knew i have PTSD from being ually abused. He almost got me to have with him. He implied that it was the only way for me to earn his love, and have never known love as a child much, i fell for it. Now i check his myspace, which I know probably isn't healthy, and the girl he had oral with is his top friend. It may seem really stalker-ish, but i followed the link to his brother's myspace, and it made me even more depressed. I don't know why. I never had a thing for his brother, but just hearing his name depresses me. It's not like we were friends, beacause he hates me. I feel like by loosing my ex, i have lost myself. I feel as if i have no reason to live. If it weren't for the fact that i am affraid of burning in eternal hell, I would kill myself now. I want him to know how bad I am hurting, how miserable this pain feels, but everytime i try to express it to him, he gets mad at me, and we end up telling eachother off and then he hates me even more. I feel hopeless, lost. I feel ugly, and i hate myself. I feel talentless, and unloved. I want to cut, but I don't want to hurt my friend, Feild, if i get cought and sent to looney bin. I want him to know how much pain I am in. I want the pain to stop. I want to know what exactly is happening, so i can fix it. The wonderfull memories we had together, are painfull now. The bad memories, feel worse. For example, one time, he kissed me, and i tried to turn my head away, but he grabbed my face, so i couldn't let go. I hate that memory, but it won't go away. I keep on thinking about the good times, and "what if's". Please help me. I am in so much unbearable pain, there is only one solution to this problem. And i don't want to have to take it.